Tillamook County Women's Resource Center

Since January is Stalking Awareness Month and February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month, we recently spoke with two counselors at Tillamook High School -- Lori Rhodes and Judie Marvis -- to share their experience and advice on both topics. 

Q: Has the incidence of teen dating violence, bullying and stalking increased locally?

Judie: We see it a lot and it can encompass physical violence, and those cases we refer to the Women’s Resource Center. And it can include emotional abuse, controlling behavior, threatening. One that I’m dealing with this week, a past boyfriend was texting messages around saying his former girlfriend is a whore.

Lori: It seems like every year there’s more. And it’s not just females. We also have some males who were targeted, not so much with physical abuse, but emotional abuse and cyber bullying.

Cyber bullying is becoming very significant. I have a broken-up couple with whom the texting is rippling out and hurting big time. This year I also dealt with and referred a young man to the Women’s Resource Center as a result of some inappropriate behavior he did toward girls. Since then, he has had some sessions with a representative from the Women’s Resource Center and that’s proved to be wonderful for him.

I’ve had a couple of cases this year in which I had to make reports of violence. The bruises were evident.

In one case, a girl came in to tell me what was happening to one of her friends and said this was not cool that her friend had bruises all over her body.

When I called the girl in, I told her not to deny it any more. Let’s talk about it and decide what we’re going to do about it. So she did. She actually has moved away to get away from him. She loved the guy, but he was abusive to her.

It was the same old story, where he says he’s sorry and won’t do it again. The mom was aware of it, but didn’t know how to stop it. So we got DHS involved and the police. She went to live with her father in order to get away from it because she said she had no power to get away from him otherwise. She loved him too much.

I had two sisters who had to move away because of relationships. They had seen a bad model over years in their own family. Mom has her act together now and is a blossoming woman here in town. But for years she had men in her life who were either abusive to her or abused drugs and brought all that into the home. That’s what the girls saw when they were young. So they are willing to take a lot because they don’t know where the line is … what not to take. That line has been blurred for them or it has been lowered.

Q: What role does technology play?

Judie: Technology makes all of this instant.

Lori: Cyber bullying is on the increase. We have had a few fights that have been recorded via phone cameras. The fight was off campus, so we couldn’t really stop it. If something goes down, almost instantly, many kids know what just happened because of texting. The message travels like wildfire.

Judie: They set it up, announce it, they know they’re off school grounds and we can’t be involved because it’s after school.

Lori: They can’t be reprimanded for off-school fighting. But cell phones are what got a crowd there and then it’s videotaped.

Q: How are you addressing cyber bullying?

Lori: It’s hard, because how do you find out who started it? And if it’s off campus, then we can’t do much about it. But, if it comes on campus and starts destroying the learning environment, then we have to get involved. When we are able to track it down, we invite in the police.

If the parent is able to bring in the text messages or e-mails, it’s treated a lot like other types of discipline issues. That was the case this week with the two boys who started the text messaging, saying the girl was a whore. The girl told us who she thought did it, so the vice principal called them in and said, “We know you did it.” And they admitted it and said they were sorry. But, if there are any threats in it, it is moved to a police issue.

Judie: Technology has affected bullying. It’s much easier to say nasty things about a person when you can be anonymous. There’s a freedom in that.

Q: Do you see much stalking among your students?

Lori: I have had experience with stalking involving broken relationships when one party can’t give it up. They drive past their house, or they honk or they start texting the new girlfriend.

I have a case right now where I’ve had to tell the girl that she needs to stop this because she is to the point that it’s stalking. The boy is still texting her a little bit, kind of dangling her. The girl is stalking other people and him because she doesn’t want anyone else to get near him. We called each one in separately and told them they need to stop.

Judie: Earlier in the year I had a boy who was literally stalking a girl who broke up with him. He was following her and actually started to get physical with her.

Lori: We’ve had a few parents put restraining orders on kids. I have a couple of “no contact orders” this year on my caseload.

Q: What should parents or bystanders do if they see things like this?

Lori: Call the police immediately. Call DHS. They can contact us, if they feel more comfortable that way, and we’re mandatory reporters. So we would immediately make the call. But it comes better from the person who has seen it. It is harder to pursue if it is reported by someone who has not actually witnessed it.

Judie: Parents also should NOT get involved in the drama. I’ve had parents try to get involved. They’re texting somebody, saying “Leave my daughter alone” and threatening them. That just makes it worse.

Q: How can the community help?

Lori: Continue to fund Women’s Resource Center. They are great people that you can call. They do the counseling here at no cost for our young man who needed some help.

Judie: I would say, if you see something like this happening to your son or daughter, get on it right away. Call whoever you need to call and don’t get involved in a negative way in which you are starting to become part of the problem.

Lori: I think, also, you don’t need to be your child’s best friend. You need to be the parent. We have parents who are afraid to make their children angry. They need to call and get help. Our local officials are pretty good at keeping things anonymous.